Father Power
Fatherhood is a subject near and dear to my heart. Having never been a father, I may be the only one interested in reading my own writing; however, God has blessed me by putting men in my life who in various ways have shown me strengths and weaknesses and pitfalls of fatherhood and most importantly what it means to live as a man of God, so that I can be ready when my time comes. And fatherhood isn't necessarily just a biological function either; God has given me the opportunity to play that role in a different way in my relationships as well. Regardless, I just felt compelled to reflect today on what fatherhood means to me.
Rick Warren, in his book Purpose Drive Life, writes how situations and injustices in the world that break ones’ heart are indicators of where you may be called to minister in others' lives. Simon Sinek writes in his book The Infinite Game how a vision requires a "Just Cause," which is 'a specific vision of a future state that does not yet exist; a future so appealing that people are willing to make sacrifices in order to help advance toward that vision.' It's something that never truly has an end, but you can spend your whole life advancing. One of my 'Just Causes,' my passions in life, is seeking to exemplify in my life and model for others what it means to be a man of God.
Religion, gender, and race issues are examples of hot-button issues that play well in the media outlets, especially around election time. But in my opinion, there's an issue that underlies all of them that isn't as glamorous to talk about but is foundational to everything: The family unit. Specifically in our day and age, the epidemic of weak and confused men when it comes to what it means to be a good father and a husband. Look at many of the issues talked about in our society and you can trace many of them back to the family unit. It's not enough to just tell someone to "be a man!" Never before have we been as confused as a culture as to what that even means anymore.
In my observation of the men in my life and the obvious gaps in others', here are some of the things I've learned that I am excited to model in my own future marriage as a husband and a father:
A real man....works through his own father wounds
I love my earthly dad. But if you haven't realized it yet, we all have "daddy issues" in some way, shape or form, because there is only one being who can love us perfectly - and his name is God. Most people don't recognize their issues and hit a buzz saw when they get married (marriage has a way of exposing lots of things, or so I'm told). I've never been so ready and excited to work through those things with my future spouse as I am right now, but in the meantime I also feel extremely fortunate to have counselors in my life who've helped me identify my root temperament and potential generational issues carried on from my father to me so that I can nip them in the bud before I get married. I hope and pray that everyone finds and takes advantage of those types of resources beyond just the typical pre-marital counseling most couples engage in, and it's a passion of mine to encourage those God puts in my life to pursue the same types of resources that have helped me immensely in my journey to be a blessing to my future wife as well.
A real man.....prioritizes his wife above everyone and everything else
Outside of my relationship with God, there is one thing above all else that excites me on this side of eternity: A God-centered, fun, loving, passionate marriage. There is nothing else in my opinion that can bring as much joy in this life than a strong marriage. No career success or amount of money or experiences can take its place. But in my observation, I see couples who either underestimate the work required to make a marriage great, or just assume it should be easy if it's "the right person." If that's you, stop reading this right now and pick up a copy of Tim Keller's Meaning of Marriage - one of my favorite books of all time. After reading that book, it was no wonder to me why most people are so confused because they've never been taught the 'origin story' of marriage. All that to say, I see couples use their kids as a distraction or coping mechanism to cover their marital issues. In some cases, making their kids more of a focus than their spouse (a crutch, basically) until eventually their spouse is reduced to a roommate with benefits. I want my kids to know that as much as I love them, that their mother always comes first and that no one is more important than her. The Bible says that a man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife, not his kids.
A real man.....fights his passivity daily
Matt Chandler, in his book Mingling of Souls, points out the damning fact that since the Garden of Eden, man's greatest tendency towards sin has its roots in passivity (thanks, Adam). You've noticed it, haven't you? Men tend to under-communicate rather than over-communicate. Men tend to hide their feelings instead of expose them. Men tend to avoid conflict rather than deal with issues right when they come up. To summarize, men tend to avoid the greatest responsibility God gave them - to provide strength and leadership to their home. Not in a domineering or misogynistic way. And not in a passive way. But in a way that always puts God first to model His love to his bride. There's no easy fix for this one; but for me it means recognizing that because it's so deeply rooted in man's original sin, that I can never afford to treat it as anything less than what it is - a daily battle. Love and life itself depend on treating it as no less than that.
A real man.....holds himself accountable to other men, and recognizes that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness
Our culture paints a very different picture of what a real man looks like than the one the bible depicts. Whereas our culture focuses on the external - A physical specimen who doesn't show any weakness or feelings - A real man's strength comes from his ability to be vulnerable so that he can grow into the best version of himself for those whom he loves, so that he can be the strength they need. Weak men are afraid to share their feelings. But the Bible also says that he who counsels himself is a fool, and that a wise man is he who has many advisors. I would be foolish to bank my future marriage on my own wisdom, which is why it's important to me to have other men of character in my life I can be vulnerable with to call me on my s*** and keep me on track as a man, father, and husband.
A real man....shows affection to his spouse in front of his kids
Kids learn what love looks and gain a sense of security by watching how their parents interact with each other, and I can't wait to show my future kids just how in love with their mother I am (to a certain extent of course...haha). That takes vulnerability, which is difficult for many men because of their father wounds and/or a lack of modeling they received growing up.
A real man....recognizes the power of words and chooses them carefully
In the same way that affection is important to model, words are also right up there. One of the most ridiculous childhood sayings I ever heard (and believed for a time as a kid) was that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I want to be a man who is quick to forgive and slow to anger and always puts the greater good of my relationship with my wife and kids above any personal satisfaction that might come with a few well-placed cutting remarks. Words used negatively imprint, program, and plant seeds of destruction to self-image, self-esteem, and relationships with your loved ones that just aren't worth it.
A real man....forgives early and often
All of God's blessings are available to the one who chooses to forgive. And on the other side, you block His blessings when you hang on to un-forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just for the other person, it's letting go of the internal poison that's just as harmful to you. I want to be a man who puts his love for his family above his own personal satisfaction and ego. Because ultimately they're not 'mine' to begin with, they're gifts put in my life by God to be a good steward of. What an awesome and humbling responsibility.
A real man....prays and reads the Word with his family daily
I never want to be a dad who tries to simply 'make' his kids believe what I believe, but rather through relationship, influence, modeling, and teaching demonstrates to his kids the value of His truths that have brought in my and my spouse's life that explain why we choose to live by them.
A real man....doesn't treat his kids as just another 'compartment' alongside his career, and is intentional with his family time
Pastor Craig Groeschel once gave a sermon that really impacted me about creating margin in ones' life. As Americans we place a great deal of value on career success, accomplishment, and materialism. Which is fine to an extent. I'm all about working hard and providing the best life for my family too. But raising kids isn't just an additional mission to be squeezed in that comes along as the result of a little fun, they are THE mission. What greater mission or responsibility in life can there be than raising kids God gave you in a way that honors Him and them? But it takes intentionality. I want to give my wife and kids the BEST of my days, not just the REST of my days. I can't wait for family game night, family trips, family meetings, reading together, making meals together, father-son night and daddy-daughter dates (I'll love my son just as much as my daughter, but I would be a total girl-dad). I can't wait for all of it. Careers and accomplishments and creating choices for our families are great, but it's easy in our culture to sometimes miss the forest from the trees and forget that success is empty if it isn't defined in part around maximizing ones' ability to invest in relationships and experiences with the ones you love.
I'm so grateful for my dad and all of the other men in my life whom God has used to show me these different lessons in the way they live their lives. I'm excited to one day have the opportunity to put these things in action, and I hope if nothing else (assuming you actually read this whole thing and made it this far) this post inspires you to dig deeper into an area that badly needs more and better role models and examples in a society that in many ways glorifies the opposite.
Amen.