Roles Before Goals
Roles Before Goals
There are countless personal development books that focus on behavior. “If you want to change X, do the following 10 things,” etc. But oftentimes in trying to change our behavior, we are really just medicating the symptoms instead of the root cause behind our behaviors, which is why we tend to fall back into old patterns a few weeks after an inspirational podcast or message temporarily kicked our butt into gear.
What is the root of our behavior? It’s how we view ourselves; our self-awareness that in turn allows us to shape our identity. As it says in the Good Book, ‘As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.’ But most of us, when assuming we are being proactive about our future by taking “right action,” are trying to make our hardware perform with faulty software based on decades of faulty programming.
This post is about identifying your roles to re-wire that programming.
In any given moment, we can play one or a combination of five vital roles.
Inattention to these possible roles leads to a life without intention. But bringing our awareness to them helps us activate our full personal power in each moment. It brings purpose to our minds and activities. And purpose is the greatest bridge to Now.
OBSERVER
As observer, we can hover above our reality and view the totality of who we are in life and the minutia of how we are acting and reacting in the very moment. It is not a detachment from ourselves or the moment, but rather a careful observance of it.
Those who have mastered this role can make a decision and almost simultaneously evaluate whether or not it is the right decision.
It is as though they have an internal dialogue: “Oh, I see that I am becoming upset about this situation. Why am I reacting this way right now? Will anger serve me in this moment? If I were responding as my highest self, what would I say and do right now?”
This is why things like counseling and temperament analysis are so vital, because we often act out of scripts based on how we ‘think’ we are versus how we actually are. This is called self-awareness, and most of us operate our whole lives without it because we only get counseling after S.H.I.T. hits the fan (using my ‘French’ for emphasis; forgive me).
DIRECTOR
The director is the conscious and intentional creator of our lives. If we can imagine life as a movie, then we can imagine ourselves as the one directing each scene and character within it.
Therefore, those who are unhappy with the current story of their life are those who have not been directing its scenes and characters. They lacked a plan for their story. They wandered in and out of situations in their lives without any real intent. They focused on the wrong things, often zooming in on the negative aspects of life while missing the beautiful or interesting. They let the wrong characters enter the important scenes. They rarely stepped back from the frame to see the big picture. They let themselves respond to situations not as a noble and heroic character but as a whiny child screeching across the stage of life.
Mastering the role of the director requires us to be detailed in our intentions for each scene in our story. If we are going out on a date with our spouse this evening, how do we want the scene to unfold? What kind of person do we want to be at the dinner table? How will we appear and what will we sound like? How will we respond to her descriptions of her day? What surprises will keep the scene fresh? How might the entire evening be a romantic love affair captured through our own eyes? Where is this story with this person going to go?
Playing the director of our own movie gives us the ability to choose our entire character and life’s arc. Will our character be strong or weak, noble or selfish, stressed or peaceful, flighty or grounded? Will each of our days say something about who we are, and if so, what? What will we demonstrate and become in the next scene of our lives? These are important questions. If we do not ask them, we fail to focus on the story of our lives and thus we become lost within it. Worse, we become bit players in other people’s stories casualties of the larger mass narrative that is a boring tale of conformity. So let us be more conscious: What shall our life’s story be and how can we direct our thoughts and actions to make that vision a reality?
GUARDIAN
The Guardian most protect ourselves from unwanted contaminants: negative information, people, and habits. We often fail at this role and let useless information and stupidity into our minds on a daily basis.
We dumbly consume words, images, and sounds from salacious sources that masquerade their alerts and offers as somehow relevant to our lives. This is the news media that pretends some ignorant and extremist view might enlighten us, the network that says the reality of a few entitled brats being filmed without filter might entertain us, the webpage that cons us into thinking we are miserable without their product. From all this we do not grow wiser but less informed, not entertained but numbed, not wealthier but poorer.
Everything we consume becomes a part of us. All the useless factoids and scandals do nothing but take root in our psyche and emerge as stupidity and drama later on. Seeing people being petty on television a million times makes us pettier.
We must also be guardians of our bodies. The plight of those in abundance cultures brimming with fake food is that convenience thwarts common sense. Rather than choosing food that is real, whole, and good for us, we choose what is fast and sweet. As a society, we have become not guardians but gorgers, stuffing and poisoning ourselves, mindlessly toxifying the very structure that houses our heart and soul.
Most people would feel guilty for destroying someone else’s property. Yet, they wreck the very temple their Creator gifted them.
There is no lack of information on how to choose a healthy diet or live a healthier lifestyle. Eat smaller portions. Make a plate of mostly whole foods and greens. Limit consumption of processed food or anything with unpronounceable ingredients. Stop eating so much sugar. Move more, and exercise several times per week to maintain a healthy, strong body. Drink more water and get more sleep. None of this is new information. What is required is a new commitment to caring for our bodies. If we let the energy of our body fade, our motivation soon goes with it.
WARRIOR
The next role is the warrior. Should we sit in our homes and find life wanting, then we must stand and venture out to fight purposefully for something more. We must be bold, fierce, and unrelenting in chasing our dreams. We must push aside our fears, struggle with conviction, battle through all obstacles. We must want to win, to bring back treasures and glory to our homes, to leave nothing on the battlefields of life but the legend of our courage and might.
We will have made nothing of ourselves or created anything significant unless we prepare for the long and arduous journey to mastery.
Who will we need to march with us so that we can have camaraderie and support in taking the next mountain? Let us seek to meet and enlist them now. What must we sacrifice in order to ascend even higher? Let us sacrifice it now before it weighs us down on the journey.
Owning the role of warrior requires us to take stock of all the things we are deeply committed to in life. The warrior asks, “What will I stand for in life? How will I bring honor and abundance to my loved ones? What adventures will make me feel alive? What do I want and how hard am I prepared to fight for it?
Let us be honest and brave in assessing our lives, asking, “How hard am I really working toward my dream? Am I letting little obstacles stop my progress, or am I battling through them on a consistent basis? Am I doing what I must to prepare my mind, body, and soul for victory? Am I acting with real conviction and commitment in life, or simply trudging through?”
If we have real dreams, then we must fight for them. For the sake of our soul and our families, we must adopt that warrior spirit that is hungry, ambitious, and courageous.
The essence of the warrior spirit is readiness—a bias toward action.
Warriors do not waste time in making decisions. There is little hesitation, hemming, hawing, or hedging. Warriors do not await perfect circumstances to begin the long march to victory; they do not stop when tired or frightened; they do not shy away from a needed fight; they do not apologize for boldness or strength.
They are fully aware of the fact they are warriors and creating a warrior ethos, a legend as a fighter for things both important to themselves and also grander and more significant than themselves. They are giving their lives to something that matters.
To become stronger warriors, we must stop all the hesitations and excuses. We must commit to fighting harder and longer toward our dreams. So let us write down all the things we’ve been waiting to do, along with all our excuses for not doing them. Let us contemplate where we are being weak in our lives or progressing too slowly. Then let us get recommitted and decide that tomorrow, no matter what, we will march with courage toward our dreams regardless of the obstacles in our way. Let us be obsessive and fierce about our progress once more.
LOVER
While on our quests, we must never forget whom we are fighting for. There are people we care for and who need us. No victory is sweet and no life fulfilling without someone to celebrate with and care for. And so let us master our role as lover.
This may be the most difficult role and responsibility to master. Our relationships demand more presence, more attention, and more purposeful tending than any other area of our lives, yet how often we cause our own disappointment, heartbreak, and separation.
In a modern world plagued by distraction, our greatest work in becoming better lovers is in reconnecting with those who have already given us their hearts. We have to finally stop all the looking about and once more peer into the eyes of those we adore. We have to ask them more questions. How was their day, really? What are they struggling with? What would make them feel more alive and happy? How can we connect with and care for them better? Is there a way we can demonstrate even more affection and appreciation for them?
We must learn to sit down each day and think about the health and growth of our loved ones as much as we think about the growth of our careers. Are there rituals we can create to bring us all closer? To rekindle the fire and passion? To move our lives forward, together?
Each of us was fashioned from love. Our nature is love, and our hearts beat with it and our spirit soars with its quickening power. Let us reconnect with our hearts and the hearts of others. Let us embody this role with such vitality and power that in the bright beams of our love those around us are stunned and overjoyed and honored and enlivened.
LEADER
There are men and women counting on us and looking to our example. They await our direction and action. We owe it to them to be outstanding in our role as leader.
Our times demand vision and disciplined, collaborative effort to make a real difference. These things are inspired and sustained by good leaders. And so let us ask ourselves, “What can be done to improve this world that I influence? How can I help others solve problems and achieve their dreams? Who can I enlist and empower to help achieve something remarkable? How can I unlock the potential of those around me to do more good?”
In the final reckoning of our life’s legacy, shall we explain to our Creator that He did not equip us well enough for the task? No. We must forget the excuses and remember our duty to serve something larger than ourselves
Look back at history. When good decisions and progress were made at the important crossroads of each era, there were always bold and motivated people with clear vision and sure voices. Let us be that for our generation. The call for leadership is all around. Let’s not play deaf to the needs of the world at this moment of crisis. There are things to volunteer for and lead in our neighborhoods and communities. There are untapped sources of potential and power in our businesses. And so let us decide now to do our best to spot those areas of need, to lift those around us, to unite people in meaningful struggle and service once more. For the betterment of our world, it is time to take charge once more.
Each of these roles—observer, director, guardian, warrior, lover, and leader—is available to us in any moment. Should we be intent on activating them, we shall own the moment in ways we never imagined. Motivation will arise. Life will come back. A vibrancy will emanate through our entire being.
We can choose our roles and responses to the world so, over time, our character and destiny are forged purposefully. From these efforts, we shall rediscover the immensity and freedom and gift that is each and every divine moment spent alive.
There are 3 layers of behavior change, starting with the outer circle: 3 - a change in your outcomes, 2 - a change in your processes, or 3 - a change in your identity. Outcomes are about what you get. Processes are about what you do. Identity is about what you believe.
SUMMARY: FORMING HABITS BY CREATING YOUR IDENTITY
It’s hard to form and maintain habits when the the way you view yourself (your identity) clashes with the future you say you want and the habits that are necessary to create said future. As James Clear talks about in Atomic Habits:
“The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who WANTS this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who IS this. The more pride you have in a particular aspect of your identity, the more motivated you will be to maintain the habits associated with it.
It is a simple two step process:
Decide the type of person you want to be
Prove it to yourself with small wins
Ask yourself, who is the type of person who could get the outcome I want? Who is the type of person who gets up early and gets things done? Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. As the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity.”
Use the roles above to create and shape your identity. Words and thoughts become things, and YOU are responsible for using your words and thoughts to create the identity, then the habits, then the life you want.