Why You Need A Coach (And How To Be Coached)
The topic of this post is why you need a coach, how to find a good one, and how to get the most out of a coaching relationship.
First, an inspirational quote:
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” -wayne gretzky -MICHAEL SCOTT
When searching the interwebs for different books, articles, videos on this topic to supplement my own opinions, it was shocking to me the imbalance of resources in favor of how TO coach as opposed to BE coached. That’s because, as human beings, it is super easy and natural for us to want to tell others what to do and how to do it - the hard part is taking some of that medicine ourselves. The reality is that the most successful people in the world - not just financially, but relationally, emotionally, spiritually, etc - are also the ones who are the most self-aware. And the path to self-awareness is a challenging road that first and foremost involves humbling ourselves (repeatedly) to not just hear, but LISTEN (i.e. implement) advice from someone wiser than yourself. Take it from me - I’ve read dozens and dozens (and dozens) of books on leadership, coaching, attitude, relationships, etc - but having head knowledge absolutely, unequivocally, does NOT replace experience. To define the difference between knowledge and wisdom: Knowledge is having head awareness of a particular concept; wisdom is having applied and lived out that knowledge through experience - and, having grown and changed one’s future actions, mindset, attitude as a result of that experience.
So, it’s important to get a few things straight, and in this order:
1.) Why do I even need a coach or mentor?
2.) What to look for in a mentor
3.) When is a coach most helpful?
4.) Rules for getting the most out of 1:1 time with your coach
5.) How to improve your coachability
1 - WHY DO I NEED A MENTOR OR COACH?
Because you’ve been asking the wrong question your whole life
The average person (which is why they remain average), when they imagine a better future, asks themselves “How do I achieve this goal?” This is actually the worst possible question you could ask (assuming you want to be successful and happy). But our entire public education system has been based on that question, so I don’t blame you. We’re taught that asking for help from others is “cheating” and that strangers are “dangerous.” But how would your time be spent differently if you had brilliant ‘Whos’ in your life made your goals easier to accomplish?
The illusion that having a mentor is optional
Most people think of a mentor or coach as a luxury; something that would be nice to have but isn’t absolutely essential because, after all, I’m a smart person and I can figure it out myself. As we just learned in the previous section, when you’ve been trained your whole life to ask employee-minded questions your whole life, it’s easy to fall prey to this trap. The reality is that we are social creatures, and like it or not, you WILL be influenced by whomever is around you. If you don’t believe me, you can find plenty of studies that support the facts that we are playing with fire when we leave our association to chance - if you hang around smokers long enough, you WILL become a smoker. If you hang around people who make poor relationship decisions, you can’t expect to have an amazing relationship all on your own. So, you have two choices: Intentionally select the people you want to become the average of, or let your average be determined by whomever happens to be breathing the same air around you.
They’re called blindspots for a reason
Dr. Robert Kegan calls the basest form of psychological development the Socializing Self, which is when a person operates out of fear, anxiety, and dependence. You are simply trying to fit in and be accepted by others. The Authoring Self, is when you’ve gone from unhealthily dependent to a much healthier independence. You’ve developed your own sense of self, you have a worldview, goals, agenda, etc. The problem is that you have a perceptual filter that you cannot see beyond. Everything you do is to confirm your bias and achieve your narrow goals.This is where most people halt their own development, because they’re convinced that their own perspectives and worldviews are correct and are unwilling to alter those views. The Transforming Self is the highest level of psychological development and involves understanding the importance of collaboration; this is achieved by less than 10 percent of the population. These are not transactional relationships, but instead operate from an abundance mindset where there is an openness to change and an understanding that collaboration can achieve 10x, 100x, 1000x what we could do by ourselves; and, that it is about collective success and not the limited achievement one can accomplish alone. This requires a great deal of humility and self-awareness of our own limitations. But realizing that your pathway to success is Who instead of You, is like playing chess with life instead of checkers.
The goal is to create massive results in life, not focus on your individual ability to create results
As a person, you have strengths and you have lots of weaknesses. But as a healthy, Transformational Self, your objective is to obtain resources that create a desired result and make your goals possible, which is only achievable by creating close relationships; which, in turn, increase material resources, social resources, perspectives, identities, and mindset. If you’re just focused on yourself, you’re dramatically limiting the resources you can direct towards your goals. Bottom line: Keeping to yourself (or being unintentional about who you let stay around you) limits your future.
2 - WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A MENTOR
A good mentorship relationship is based on trust. Trust comes from influence, influence comes from friendship, and friendship isn’t possible unless you like the person. So, start there and build your way up, but John Maxwell says that there are 3 things you want to look for in a coach or mentor in the meantime. If these 3 things are in place by your estimation, then decisively commit to the relationship so you can have the necessary time to build trust (which takes time):
Competency - do they have results / fruit on the tree in the area you’re looking for guidance in?
Compassion - Do you feel like they care about you as a person? Or, do you feel like they’re only motivated to know you for their own personal gain?
Character - This is a composite of someone’s values, what they stand for, their track record, what motivates them, their integrity based on their actions over a period of time, and what their vision is.
If you can check these three boxes to a reasonable degree as you get to know them, this is someone worth hanging on to.
3 - WHEN IS A COACH MOST HELPFUL?
When you’re procrastinating
Procrastination is actually a powerful signal telling you that it’s time to get your coach involved. You’re stuck. You need help. The question is, will you find that help or just sit by yourself and stew in your own frustration? The bigger your personal ambition, the more procrastination you will experience. Everyone who is ambitious procrastinates. It is part of having goals that stretch beyond you. But letting yourself sitting there without seeking out your coach is going to lead to a lack of progress and confidence, and soon loss of ambition altogether. You only have two options when you procrastinate: Ask yourself “How can I do this?” which generally just leads to more procrastination. Or, ask yourself, “Who can help me with this?” so you can stop procrastinating and get an injection of energy, confidence and creativity, and stop feeling discouraged.
When you’re not sure what to ask but you feel stuck, flat, or uninspired
See above on Procrastination. I 100% guarantee you that picking up the phone and calling is one of the best things you can do for yourself in this situation. You’ll end up uncovering things you didn’t even realize were issues and leave that call feeling rejuvenated, refocused, and with a fresh perspective. Sometimes you’ll go into a conversation to talk about one thing and your coach will uncover something completely different and unexpected. Most losses in enthusiasm are due to a loss of perspective, and a coach can give you both those things back. The worst thing you can do when you’re struggling or stuck, is to keep it to yourself. By being vulnerable and honest about your feelings, you’ll immediately feel less overwhelmed. All progress starts with verbally (out loud) telling the truth to the right person.
On a regular basis, even if you’re “doing well”
One of the biggest mistakes people make in a coaching relationship is to only call their coach when they’re defeated, deflated, ready to give up. This is a recipe for a massive amount of unnecessary energy spent in an unnecessary emotional rollercoaster. Sure, your coach can patch you up and ‘send you back into the field,’ but your coach is not a bandaid. They’re a GPS. The saying, “it’s not the elephants that get you, it’s the gnats,” is very true. When you’re in regular, weekly or semi-daily communication with your coach, a few things happen:
1.) You build a stronger relationship, which means your coach will feel more comfortable telling you things you need to hear because they’ll always prioritize the relationship first. This will also make you feel more comfortable being vulnerable about the things you truly need to share, because your coach can only give to you based on the questions you ask.
2.) You’ll be able to handle the “mole hills” so that they don’t become mountains, and your coach won’t have to be used as just a ‘911’ phone call every time you speak with them
Along the lines of 2), if you’re only utilizing your coach for “problems” and not “growth-oriented” conversations, you will remain in survival mode instead of shifting to success mode.
4 - RULES FOR GETTING THE MOST OUT OF 1:1 TIME WITH YOUR COACH
Journal regularly, reflect daily, reflect weekly, reflect monthly, reflect annually
Giving our ambitions consistent mental attention keeps the drive alive, our energies swirling in anticipation. Journaling about our desires each night, what went well, what didn’t go well, mapping out the next day, and regularly setting aside moments to visualize what we want and schedule our next steps is critical to increasing your own self-awareness, which in turn creates the ability to ask better, more specific, more detailed, more intentional, more situation-specific questions to your coach each week when you take the time to review your daily logs and identify problematic patterns in your behavior. This is where so many people fail. The distractions of the day steal their mental focus and thus their motivation. And then they go week to week without changing anything because they aren’t taking the time to capture and reflect on what’s actually happening. The real downfall for many people isn’t that they are “unmotivated” people, but that they are simply distracted, too absentminded to sustain motivation. It may be that the world isn’t giving us what we want simply because our own lack of focus makes it unclear what we are asking for.
Be prepared before coaching sessions
Have a system for coming up with questions based on your reflections and goals. See previous section on the importance of journaling.
Here are some example reflection questions worth considering:
Am I holding myself back in certain ways? How?
Am I waiting for something to go away before I take action? What?
What scares me? Why?
If I knew I couldn’t fail, what would I most want to have, or accomplish?
What am I really committed to, and what am I going to do to show my commitment?
Where am I lacking clarity on my goals, intentions, and action steps?
Do I understand the necessary action required to achieve a certain result?
Through journaling and reflecting, what patterns am I noticing in my behavior that are holding me back from hitting my goals and action steps?
Ask the “stupid” questions
If you’re having these thoughts, that you don’t want to ask your coach a question because you “should already know the answer,” that it’s a “stupid question” and you don’t want to “bother” your coach, that’s your Ego talking. Ignore it. Ask the question. A good coach knows that someone who is capable of asking simple, “stupid” questions is comfortable enough in their manhood or womanhood to man/woman-up and get the information they need to fricken move on. Insecure people wait. Secure people shamelessly ask as many questions as they need to. ASK THE QUESTION. You’re not less of a person for getting help. This isn’t school. You’re not “cheating.” Your coaches aren’t there to pass judgment, they are there to help.
Be honest and hold nothing back
We all have a tendency to subconsciously filter the information we share with others or tell white lies about how we’re doing or the progress we’ve made. This behavior is baked into the social norms of our culture. It’s natural to safeguard our problems that could cause others to judge us. But with coaching, vulnerability is paramount. Remember that your coach, unlike certain friends and family members, is not emotionally attached to your shortcomings. This is important, because it means they’ll never be disappointed by your choices and will never make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself. They simply want to help you grow, and holding back is only going to limit their ability to meet your needs.
Don’t take things personally
See last section.
Don’t avoid the real issue(s)
Ask yourself, “What do I not want my coach to know?” The answer to that question could likely be the issue you need to discuss the most! Remember that you don’t want coaching to derive pleasure from your sessions, but for growth. Comfort is the enemy of growth.
Don’t focus on others
Don’t turn coaching sessions into griping and complaining about other people. The only things you have control over is your actions and your attitude, so focus on those things.
Don’t show up with a laundry list of issues
To get the most out of your coaching time, ask yourself - “If I could only work on one thing, what would it be?” Start with that one thing at the beginning of your time together, and then dovetail into other things as time permits.
5 - HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR COACHABILITY
From the book “How To Get The Most Out Of Coaching:”
1.) Be action oriented - This is the single most important factor in being coachability. The people who gain the most from a coaching relationship are the ones with a growth mindset who take immediate action and then create a strong feedback loop of communication.
2.) Have a willingness to accept guidance - Deep down we want to change, but our brains don’t always want to accept that we need to do things any differently. Your coach’s job is to disrupt the status quo of your thinking. Your job is to fall out of your ego and humble yourself, and monitor your brain’s tendency to reject your coach’s advice. They’re the ones with results, not you.
3.) Be open to experimentation and testing - When your coach suggests that you try something (or something different), experiment with it immediately and take action instead of weighing your options for days and weeks on whether it’s worth trying. Do it and see for yourself.
4.) Self-awareness - This is why temperament analysis and counseling / therapy is so critical. As you become more self-aware of your tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses, your coachability will increase because you’ll have a better understanding of how you’re connecting (or not connecting) with the world around you.
5.) Strong opinions - Coachability is NOT the same thing as being blindly subservient to your coach’s whims and desires. Coaches are there to listen, ask open-ended questions, and go as deep as you give them permission to. If you disagree with a recommendation, it is your responsibility to speak up and let your coach know that the suggestion isn’t resonating with you and that you need to understand their recommendation better before proceeding.
6.) Curiosity - Having an interest in learning and trying new things translates well to coaching. If you’re hungrily attacking audios, books, and advice from your coach, you’re only going to stay stuck in old patterns of thinking that have only gotten you so far to this point. Consider life through the eyes of a child, where everything is thrilling and new and worthy of exploration, and they aren’t stuck in preconceived notions of how the world works. This kind of mindset is ideal for being coached; being open and empty so you can receive.
7.) Optimism - If you want the results in life that your coach and mentor have, then it stands to reason that if you do the things they’ve done and are willing to overcome the things they’ve overcome, that eventually you’ll have the things they have if you apply the same principles. Principles work for everyone; it’s our attitudes and mindset that can betray us if we’re not careful. The bigger the goals you have, the bigger the obstacles you’re going to face. When you’re frustrated, and your coach tells you that you’re on the right path and to be patient, have faith that because they’ve already been through the growth journey you’re currently in the middle of that their perspective allows them to see exactly where you are and what you need to do to get there. And then just keep moving forward in lockstep communication with your coach.
8.) Sense of humor - Life is too short, and ultimately none of us get out of it alive. Enjoy the journey, and remember that the happiest people aren’t those that have “arrived,” but who wake up with a sense of purpose, mission, direction, and a tribe of people who love and support them to live life with. Be grateful, never satisfied, and take the time to laugh at the absurdities of life along the way. Keeping things light and fun keeps your brain creative and operating closer to peak capacity and allows you to ask better questions to find better solutions.
9.) Integrity - Your word is everything. Showing up to meetings on time, doing what you say you’re going to do, being vulnerable about the things you’re struggling with, are all super important. Because if you can’t keep your word with yourself, it’s going to be difficult to lead anyone else.
10.) Commitment to the process - Study the lives of the most successful people in your industry, including your coach, and study their thought process that kept them committed to their journey no matter what they were going through. Because if you can learn to think like them and develop the same emotional stability and strength of purpose, nothing will stop you just like nothing stopped them. We only get in trouble when we start to assume that our challenges, our obstacles, our weaknesses and shortcomings, are unique to us; therefore, we would be justified in stopping short of our goals and people ‘should understand.’ How childish. How absurd. How egotistical. Studying the lives of others helps put things in perspective. If one human being can do it, so can you. That is,I should say, with the right tribe and coach(es) around you.
To summarize, here’s what Karen Davis and Alex Mill say about giving yourself the grace and space to grow into this type of relationship:
“The purpose of coaching is to assist you in making important transformations in your life. The types of changes are totally up to you, but the goal is to gain insights that allow you to unlock the growth you’ve been seeking. If you aren’t willing to accept guidance, take action, and employ the other coachability traits highlighted above, you will continue on your default path, rather than your chosen path. That’s why it’s so important to focus on enhancing these traits over time. Start by leaning on your strengths. As you work with your coach, you will see more of these skills emerge in the way you think and show up.
Coaching is not a linear journey in which you simply go from point A to point B. It’s a meandering path that takes a good deal of time to travel. Even if you’re excited about making progress, remember that patience is key. Take a moment to slow down, center yourself, and practice gratitude that you’ve come this far. Instead of worrying that you haven’t achieved “perfect coachability” (which isn’t actually a thing), treat yourself with love and kindness. We’re all on our own journey, and the thing that matters most is not giving up.”