What Emotionally Resilient People Do
What do emotionally tough and resilient people do?
Here are some things in my journey so far I’ve learned both from experience and in observing others. This is not an exhaustive list but I believe that applying even a small handful of these principles will drastically improve your ability to process tough circumstances and keep on chuggin’.
1.) Emotionally resilient people allow others to help them bear their burdens
Being strong is NOT the same thing as pretending to be tough.
Some of the strongest people I know are the ones who are humble enough and wise enough to know that emotional struggle is halved when you share it with others, and doubled when you stuff it inside. Hiding your insecurities and pretending to be tough for external appearances is the definition of insecurity. I'm especially talking to any dudes out there who are afraid to be man enough to share your struggles. That's exactly why counseling is so important, because stuffing your struggles is only going to eat you up inside and steal your joy. In the same way, I’d rather spend hundreds of dollars on supplements and exercise tools to preserve my health then wait for the tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills that are sure to come later through neglect.
2.) Emotionally resilient people have an internal locus of control instead of an external locus of control
For those of you who don't know what a locus is, it's a mathematical term that basically means a focal point.
Emotionally weak people give up their power to their surroundings and external factors they don't have control over, whereas emotionally resilient people know that pain is a matter of perspective and that what happens moving forward is a direct result of THEIR actions and choices and nothing or no one else's.
3.) Emotionally resilient people spend their energy on what they can do TODAY instead of focusing their energy on the past
Emotionally resilient people take the time to process the past insomuch as taking away practical lessons or acknowledging their impact, but then they pivot and honor the past by making the present count. They realize that excessive energy spent on the past only steals from their future and increases regret and shame.
4.) Emotionally resilient people define success for themselves and make it their identity and life mission
I love John Maxwell’s definition of success: “Success is… Knowing your purpose in life, growing to reach your maximum potential, and sowing seeds that benefit others.” You can’t lose with that definition because there’s no reason to stop until you reach the pearly gates one day and hear the words “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
When you make success a life mission instead of a destination, and anything less than that definition becomes unacceptable, you will find peace and joy in the journey instead of always fretting about when you're going to get to this magical destination when you can finally be happy. Because you’ll find that even when you reach your definition, it will still feel empty without the mission and purpose behind what got you there.
5.) Emotionally resilient people don’t chase happiness and motivation directly, but rather make it a byproduct of chasing the process of daily improvement
Motivation doesn’t come from a clearly defined ‘why’ or an amazing dream board, it comes from doing the work. Because when you do the work, your subconscious mind actually starts to believe your conscious mind that you are really and actually making your dreams come true, and it makes it easier to choose to believe that you really are going to make this dream happen.
If you're trying to find something external to motivate you, you might find yourself in the quicksand of The Inspiration Trap, which tells you that “I don’t feel like doing it right now, so I'll wait until I feel a little more motivated."
The sense of pride for emotionally resilient people comes from the happiness generated from the effort itself. They choose to believe that their journey is part of an epic story that they can use one day to inspire others.
Author and business expert Jim Collins says, “There is a sense of exhilaration that comes from facing head-on the hard truths and saying, ‘We will never give up. We will never capitulate. It might take a long time, but we will find a way to prevail.’
6.) Emotionally resilient people compare themselves to where they were yesterday, not to someone else's journey.
This is called The Comparison Trap: “Someone else is better qualified than I am.” The reality is that when you’re a part of an amazing team and you surround yourself with amazing people, and give yourself the right resources, you’re JUST as qualified as the next man or woman up - not because of how amazing any of us are individually, but because emotionally resilient people realize that none of us can achieve greatness on our own. We are all flawed human beings, but together we can be perfectly imperfect in our collection of strengths and weaknesses.
7.) They believe that success is a responsibility, not just something that would be nice.
Your family, your kids, your peers, people NEED hope by seeing others around them who aren't settling. How exhilarating is it to take that mantle in your family and be the one that others look up to because you chose to be the crab in the bucket that wouldn’t allow the other ones to pull you down with them as you led the charge for your family’s legacy and to impact the community around you and generations to come by your example.
8.) Emotionally resilient people maximize the most important part of the day to build their emotional shield for whatever may come throughout the day
What part of the day is this? MORNINGS. DUH! This also includes getting enough sleep by not wasting time in the evening putzing around before bed. In my opinion going to bed on time is way more challenging than getting up early because anyone can get up early if they get enough sleep.
There is NOTHING more powerful than beginning your day putting positive thoughts into your brain, energy into your body with a little exercise, and taking care of the ONE thing that's going to do the most to move your family's future forward and impact others. If you’re a business owner or entrepreneur, for example, you need to identify the ONE activity that is going to be the most impactful in your business, your life, and your family’s future and make sure that morning time doesn’t slip away without doing that one thing.
9.) Emotionally resilient people view problems and situations as a rite of passage and part of their story
Leaders are leaders in part because they've chosen to go through more adversity than the average person, which allows them to relate to and connect with and help more people going through those same things. That's a PRIVILEGE to use your pain to life someone else up. Stop cursing your circumstances, and look at them as a way to bless others in the future through your example of overcoming those same things.
When you believe that every problem and loss is just making you a better leader, you won't fall into The Rationalization Trap: “Maybe it’s really not that important.” The Rationalization Trap excuses you from being that future light to others through overcoming your problems, which is a selfish way to look at your problems.
10.) Emotionally resilient people accept that life isn't fair and doesn't owe them anything
In life, we all get better than we deserve at times and worse than we deserve at others. And there is no guarantee that it will balance out in the end. The Good Book says that God causes the sun to rise on the evil AND the good and he gives rain to the just AND unjust. We can get stuck asking why. But seeking answers to that question rarely helps. We may never know why things happen. If we focus on the why, we may never make real progress in our lives because our energy and attention is so focused on why things aren't fair.
11.) Emotionally resilient people realize that the best way to deal with their own struggles is to focus their attention on serving others.
I don’t know why this principle works the way it does, but it really does. When we are so focused on nursing our own pain and problems, we tend to become very self absorbed and pitiful for no good reason. When we focus our attention on helping others, it gives us a sense of purpose and forward momentum that takes our eyes off our own selfishness and gives our hearts the medicine it needs by making someone else’s life a little bit better.
Here’s the bottom line: Once we accept the fact that life is hard, we begin to grow.
As John Maxwell says in his book, “Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn:”
“We begin to understand that every problem is also an opportunity. It is then that we dig down and discover what we’re made of. We begin to accept the challenges of life. Instead of letting our hardships defeat us, we welcome them as a test of character. We use them as a means of rising to the occasion.
At the same time, we need to understand that society bombards us daily with messages that are quite the opposite. To begin with, technology has provided us with push-button living. We can open the garage door, cook dinner, wash the dishes, record our favorite TV program, and pay our bills by simply pushing the right buttons.
Those ads are all around us because the people in advertising and marketing have a good understanding of human behavior. They know that most people don’t accept life as hard and will continue to look for the quick and easy way instead.
We cannot avoid life’s difficulties. We shouldn’t even try. Why? Because the people who succeed in life don’t try to escape pain, loss, or unfairness. They just learn to face those things, accept them, and move ahead in the face of them.
That’s my goal.
It should also be yours.”