Exposing The ‘Haters’

Exposing The Haters

“If you don’t understand history, you’re doomed to repeat it.”

We hear that, most of us believe it (in concept), but how many of us actually take the time to learn from our elders?

The single most painful (and in my opinion inexcusable) reason people end their lives with regrets is the following:

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

This comes from the most widely cited and influential list of regrets from people at the end of their lives : Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative care nurse who spent years working with terminally ill patients - many in home hospice or similar settings.

In her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying (and her original 2009 blog post that went viral), she compiled the most common regrets expressed by those she cared for as they looked back on their lives.

Taking this a step further, pursuing our dreams requires dealing with “the haters,” the imagined rejection and emotional scorn we’ll feel from the disapproval of people we love and care about. Ironically, dreams & goals are most often killed in the womb by loved ones, not complete strangers.

Even more ironically, most of the things we imagine that will come to pass from “the haters” either never transpires anyway or is not what we imagine it to be. Most of it is imagined.

Much of it can be explained by a concept called ‘Hanlon’s Razor,’ which says:

"Never attribute to bad intentions, that which is adequately explained by ignorance or incompetence." This rule of thumb suggests that negative events or actions from people are more often the result of ignorance, negligence, or misunderstanding rather than deliberate intent to harm. It encourages people to consider simpler, non-malevolent explanations for others' behavior, thereby fostering better understanding, empathy, and less conflict in relationships and decision-making.  

Key Aspects of Hanlon's Razor

Assume Good Faith: The core principle is to assume others have good intentions or are acting out of incompetence or stupidity rather than evil. 

It Simplifies Explanations: It encourages looking for the most likely, simplest explanation for a situation, which is often related to their own past experiences or lack of knowledge. 

Prevents Overthinking: By avoiding assumptions of malice, you can reduce stress and overthinking about negative situations or people, leading to more rational responses. 

Promotes Empathy: Understanding that others might be acting out of ignorance or being overwhelmed helps foster empathy and improves relationships. People are allowed to have their own opinions!

All this being said, for every 300 people who are just ignorant or incompetent and mean no harm, you might come across once in a blue moon someone who actually does intend to harm or injure (very rare). Here’s what you need to understand about the reasons some of the miserable people like this do and say the things they do:

1. **Jealousy and Envy**: When you chase your dreams, especially something bold like starting a business, it can highlight others’ insecurities or unfulfilled aspirations. Seeing you take risks or succeed may make them feel inadequate, prompting criticism as a way to cope with their own regrets or fears.

2. **Crab Mentality**: This metaphor describes people who try to pull others down to their level, like crabs in a bucket. Some individuals feel threatened by your progress because it challenges their status quo or makes them feel better about their own stagnant lives.

3. **Fear of Change in Others**: Your pursuit of dreams can disrupt social dynamics. Friends, family, or peers might criticize or discourage you because your ambition threatens their comfort zone or makes them question their own choices, leading to defensive negativity.

4. **Projection of Their Fears**: Haters may project their own fears of failure, rejection, or risk onto you. By criticizing your efforts, they justify their own decision to avoid stepping out of their comfort zone, reinforcing their belief that taking risks is foolish or doomed to fail.

5. **Social Conformity and Norms**: People often conform to societal expectations, and pursuing an unconventional path can make you stand out. Haters may criticize to enforce conformity, as your divergence from the norm challenges their worldview or makes them uncomfortable with your ambition.

6. **Personal Insecurity or Resentment**: Some haters resent others’ potential success because it highlights their own perceived shortcomings. Criticizing you becomes a way to deflect from their own dissatisfaction or lack of courage to pursue their goals.

7. **Misunderstanding or Lack of Vision**: Your dreams may seem unrealistic or impractical to others, especially if they don’t share your vision. Their criticism often stems from a lack of understanding or an inability to imagine the possibilities you’re chasing, leading them to dismiss your efforts.

Here’s how you can tell the difference between a ‘Hater’ and someone who poses genuine concern for your well-being, because sometimes people will disguise insecure criticism as a form of ‘fake concern’  (because if their opinion is not coming from a good place, who cares what they think anyway?):

Here’s how you can tell:

Ask them “do you respect me?”

If this is someone who truly cares about you and that you want in your circle, the answer should be ‘yes.’

“Do you think you’re smarter than me?”

Maybe they say ‘yes,’ in which case perhaps it’s possible (not always, but sometimes) they’re just arrogant and ego-driven. Or, they just look at you as a naïve little puppy who’s incapable of making decisions on your own.

Let’s assume they say ‘no.’

Then, ask:

“Is it possible that you’re wrong?”

If there’s no room in their mind whatsoever that there’s even a 1% chance they’re wrong, then this is not someone who’s communicating with you from a place of thought; this is a person who has a fixed mindset and is communicating from a place of ‘dogma’ – in other words, “I’m right no matter what you say or what true information comes to light and this conversation is over.” You can safely ignore a person like this because they’re not acting from a place of intelligence but rather emotion and blind, uninformed beliefs.

But let’s say for a moment they’re genuinely seeking to understand your actions and say “Yeah, of course it’s possible I’m wrong, even if I feel strongly about this.”  

“Outside of something anyone can google or find on Reddit about my “chances” of success on the path I’ve chosen, do you actually have something substantial to back your opinion up?”

Oftentimes what you’ll find at this point if they’re being honest is that their argument is an emotional one, not one driven by facts or logic. Most often it has to do with a personal insecurity of some kind, and they can’t understand why someone else would consider a path that they simply would never go down themselves due to their own fears.

If someone is actually concerned, ask them if they’re actually willing to get educated about the path you’ve chosen. If they’d rather just believe what they believe, then in my opinion they don’t actually care that much; they just want to be right, and they don’t want to risk being wrong because that would damage themselves emotionally.

End of the day, when you pursue something new, the best thing you can do is to have patience as you allow your sphere of influence to adjust and adapt to your new path.

Here are the 3 phases you’ll most likely encounter, in order:

Phase 1 - Being Made Fun Of

This kind of feedback you can discard. Honestly, I can’t wait for someone to make fun of you. Why? It’s a massive compliment. If you’re not being made fun of, you’re probably not doing anything above mediocrity that invites criticism which means you need to try harder and think bigger. The truth is, nobody will be making fun of you who’s doing better than you; successful people are too busy making progress to slow down enough to make fun of you. If you’re being made fun of you’ve already made it out of the 90% into the 10%. It’s also the first external sign of progress. So maybe next time you’re criticized, respond with: “Pardon my progress.” The reality is that only insecure people make fun of others who are stepping out of their comfort zone because they’re not willing to step out of theirs. Criticism is a prerequisite for success. People hated Jesus. If you stand for anything in your life there will be weak people who will stand against you. 

 Phase 2 - Feeling invisible, anonymity

This can be the hardest stage in life that most people never get out of because it causes you to believe that you don’t matter and neither do your actions. You can’t be driven by external validation in this phase but rather intrinsic motivation to become the best version of yourself in the process of doing many things no one will recognize you for.

Phase 3 - Critics Stage

Then, when you start to achieve a modicum of success, the “boo birds” start to make an appearance.:

“You’re spending too much time away from your family.”

“All you think about is money.”

“You’re so obsessed.”

“When is enough, enough?”

The kneejerk reaction is to shout “hater!” (for the record I’ve never actually shouted that at someone). Make sure you take a moment and ask yourself if there’s any validity to the criticism, especially if they love you and care about you (it’s usually 50/50 haters / constructive criticism)

But never, ever, EVER let your sensitivity cost you your dream. Because end of the day, people are thinking about themselves, they’re not spending their day dwelling on you. So let it roll right off you.

“First people will tell you that you are wrong. Then they will tell you that you are right, but what you’re doing really isn’t important. Finally, they will admit that you are right and that what you are doing is very important; but after all, they knew it all the time.”

 End of the day, a true friend isn’t necessarily someone who builds a business with you. A true friend isn’t someone who always agrees with you. That’s a yes-man, not a friend. A friend is someone who respects you and supports you doing things that you believe give you and your family a better future. They may not join you, but if someone is willing to let your decision to build something for your future get in the way of your “friendship,” you then have to ask yourself, was that person ever a true friend? Because 90% of the people we call friends are really just due to physical proximity. So get excited about finding out who your true friends are, because the best friends I’ve ever made have been in this business. I’ve never thrown away my other friendships, but when I started to get really clear about my values and what I wanted in life then I just found myself more naturally drawn to people who were heading the same direction I was.